The Long and Winding Road

How many times have I written about a new day, clean slate, or a fresh beginning?  Many.  I love a fresh start but I’ve learned to enjoy remaining on a path with ups and downs, bends, loops, and under construction signs.  Much more realistic to face life by continuing on instead of thinking there always has to be a fresh start.  

I claim a journey which began a few years ago.  I was about to have surgery, stood on a scale, and swore to myself that I would never see that number again and I never have.  Today my scale will check bone density, BMI, water retention, and weight.   I’m beginning to appreciate the BMI numbers because I don’t want to be described in a medical chart as overweight, obese, or morbidly obese.  That’s where the rubber meets the road.  Those are medical terms which have meaning to your body.  It’s a hard fact to face  but at some point we have to say, “This is it.  Not putting a time frame on it but I’m going to seek the healthy side of scales, BMI charts, and lab work.”

I met with a health coach and we began to uncover my triggers, fears, anxieties, and plain ol’ stubborn habits I held with an iron fist.  Relationships and where I placed myself around others — both family and friends — began to feel better or at least where I could maintain who I am.  I’m learning not to fold to pressures by acting or reacting in certain ways.

It’s been a very long time since I downed an entire bag of malted milk eggs.  If I decide venting through food is the only option, I have limits and options that have allowed me to loosen my iron fisted stubbornness.

I could toss up a couple of pictures and say, “Look,” and show you the difference between the weight then and  now.  The outside appearance is better but I’ve come to realize I will never look like I did when I was 18.  And, say it with me, this is OK.   I’m 58.  That was 40 years ago.  Pictures do not reveal the most important changes of the heart, mind, and soul.  Those are things I treasure.  When I am measured by someone who looks at my outward appearance it doesn’t bother me.  I know what’s inside.  

The matters of my heart have changed along with mind and soul.

I’m on a journey to finding health in my life — spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I would not trade where I am right now, to be back at 18 years old and a ridiculously low weight, for anything.  Who I am means more.  How I feel means more.  My reactions mean more at this point than a number.  

If I reach the goal weight, that golden pot at the end of the healthy path rainbow, I might become arrogant again, ill tempered,  long on words without thinking first, impatient.  Those things still happen but not nearly as often because of the emotional changes in me. 

So, today, as I see so many people on the trail at Turkey Creek or cars parked at the gym, I will see another day on a long journey.  One that will not end at a numbered goal.  Who am I now and who will I be at the goal?  The journey will continue no matter the numbers.  I want the travels to be livable, healthy, and I want to be an asset to family and friends, not a thorn in their side.  

1. Be real about who you are and your relationships with others 
2. Find your healthy limits
3. Let go of what you are told is the answer and seek the truth for yourself
4. Seek freedom from old mindsets and find confidence in your healthy choices
5. Treat others as you want to be treated  

The answers in soul searches are never defined in a number.  Matters of the heart cannot be measured.  How we live the journey matters most.  I’m on my journey and I may surprise myself with a number one day but it will just be a little blip on the radar screen. I will credit the attitude, intentions, and my Lord for seeing me through life with choices that were best for me.